Finding a lost bag (a satire)

An American woman goes to Europe. In the process of returning home, the airline loses her checked bag.

The following responses are the real-or-hypothetical anecdotes or literal translations of how an airport and its employees, within several different countries, would handle this. 

Translations are literal and word-for-word. Some are hypothetical but they are to the point. 

GERMANY: Please wait here. Please to go Ticket Counter, for they the money handle. Nein. Wait here please. Nein. Please go to this office. Nein. Welcome to the Lost and Found. Let's fill a claim out. You had a claim yesterday done? Nein. Please go upstairs to Hall B, through miles of people and shops go (and we are still waiting). 

FRANCE: Please excuse my cigarette smoke, but have a croissant while you wait. 

ITALY: (By the way - no line - just a big mob of people). We will charm the pants off of you but will only pretend to be able to find anything. You might as well kiss your belongings goodbye. In the meantime, this incredibly handsome and well-dressed gentleman will serve you an espresso and take you to visit the Prada store. 

SWITZERLAND: Please have some chocolate while you wait. Someone will be with you in 2 minutes and 3 seconds. (And they will appear exactly as scheduled). 

HUNGARY: You lostòk your baggagunk?  Ö!! Küngetalak jestzoò zarvà rössz. 

(The bag has been located and will hopefully be returned without problems and with my husband's gift inside.)

 

 

 

PHOTO: My "goodbye" to Europe on this trip.  I had a short lay-over in Frankfurt which ended up becoming a baggage scavenger hunt. The bag did eventually make it back to Albuquerque - one day after I did. Which meant I didn't have to lug it through customs - actually, a true blessing. And my husband's paprika and pálinka were inside.

Automatic Shot!

Anyone who has spent any amount of time with my darling husband knows the significance and humor behind:

“Wait - let’s get a picture together. Automatic shot!”

He has mastered the art of the “hold out the camera in front of you and take a picture” [a.k.a. selfie] and my favorite … 

- the “set up the camera on a remote ‘pedestal,’ set the ten-second automatic timer, and RUN towards the group or couple shot! 

These have resulted in a few funny moments. Recently, in Eureka Springs, AR, we did a lot of “automatic shots.” These resulted in some funny photos, and hilarious ten-second slices of Zheng running, like a mad man, to get in the photo.

PHOTOS: from “automatic shot!"

Lost in Translation - The Menu

One of my favorite pastimes for the past three weeks has been to thoroughly scour the menus of all of the restaurants we have visited.  This is not only because of my curiosity, it is also because we have found some AMAZINGLY funny things printed, due to difficulty of translating Chinese into English.  

I should also share that the menus are printed right-to-left.  So drinks, rice, soup, is at the "end" of the menu.  It took me at least a week to figure this out.  

I'm not really sure how much editing (if any) some of these menus or documents have received before going to print, but I will list you some incredibly funny ones below:

Rice Balls with Glue

Students Addicted to Intestinal Health

Students Addicted to Tree Frogs 

Legend of the Burning of Hakka 

Fishing fans to burn dry sausages

Fatty Beef Balls 

But my favorite is attached as a picture.  

  

--
Kristin Ditlow
kristin.ditlow@gmail.com
215.527.4237
coming soon: www.kristinditlow.com

Unusual Chinese Jobs, a Top-Ten List

Unusual Chinese Jobs, a Top-Ten 

There never ceases to be things which surprise, delight, or inspire me here.  I have noticed that everyone in China has a job.  (Or two or three.  The prediction that China will become *the* world economic power by 2020 is not a surprise to me, seeing the amazing free-market-enterprise and cultural work ethic which are present here).

Here is my top-ten list, à la David Letterman:

10.  Monkey beggar (see post, "Monkey Business")

9.  Omelet guard.  There was an additional person watching the chef at the Hotel "TianAn Rega" (our hotel in Beijing) that ... well, I'm not really sure what she did.  Prevented omelet-theft?  

8.  Street cleaners.  These people work round-the-clock to make sure that you could eat off of the streets, no matter which city you are in.

7.  Panda-hat vendors. (I need to write about panda-hats in another post).  Add to 7b - random souvenir sellers.  It hasn't nearly gotten to the level of Paris-Eiffel Tower vendors, but these people often have several jobs.  Hey, if you could sell keychains to help your savings account, why not? (Chinese typically save **70%** of their income.  Americans, wake up.)

6.  Critter-market vendors and chefs (see post, "To Market, to market").

5.  Transportation assistants.  We would call them "drivers."  They drive taxis, bread-trucks (see post, "Taxi!"), rickshaws, and these metal carts which look like food-stands but are meant to carry people.  Apparently, these are expensive and illegal.

4.  Travel-agents.  We ran into a lot of these in Beijing.  They will find you in the park, strike up a conversation, ("rich Westerner," even though they don't come out and say it.  I'm not stupid), and try to sell you everything ranging from a van-ride to the Great Wall to imitiation silk-screen paintings.

3.  Street-barbecuers.  These are not to be confused with the critter-market vendors.  This is a serious business.  They usually appear in popular-crowded streets at around 9 PM.  They have crowds around them (the locals seem to really know which ones to go to!) and they sell everything from tofu and vegetables to skewers with rice.  Well ... depending on how many critters are walking around ... they may have more in-common with #6.  And every time I see a dog walking around the streets without an owner, I say a silent prayer for him to *not* walk by any restaurants ... Street-barbecuers, according to my Chinese inside-source, make about $5,000 per month.  Which is more than some PhDs make in China (or the US for that matter).

2.  Light-operators in performance venues.  Oh my goodness, this has been quite an adventure.  We played one concert, which we had to start late, because no one was there to turn the lights on.  Obviously, I wouldn't mention which concert this was.  The concert eventually happened, with proper lighting.

1.  Street-choir karaoke director.  I have run into these everywhere - community of amateurs singing, sometimes a cappella, sometimes with a loudspeaker-boom-box.  I always stop and listen.  

--
Kristin Ditlow
kristin.ditlow@gmail.com
215.527.4237
coming soon: www.kristinditlow.com