Finding a lost bag (a satire)

An American woman goes to Europe. In the process of returning home, the airline loses her checked bag.

The following responses are the real-or-hypothetical anecdotes or literal translations of how an airport and its employees, within several different countries, would handle this. 

Translations are literal and word-for-word. Some are hypothetical but they are to the point. 

GERMANY: Please wait here. Please to go Ticket Counter, for they the money handle. Nein. Wait here please. Nein. Please go to this office. Nein. Welcome to the Lost and Found. Let's fill a claim out. You had a claim yesterday done? Nein. Please go upstairs to Hall B, through miles of people and shops go (and we are still waiting). 

FRANCE: Please excuse my cigarette smoke, but have a croissant while you wait. 

ITALY: (By the way - no line - just a big mob of people). We will charm the pants off of you but will only pretend to be able to find anything. You might as well kiss your belongings goodbye. In the meantime, this incredibly handsome and well-dressed gentleman will serve you an espresso and take you to visit the Prada store. 

SWITZERLAND: Please have some chocolate while you wait. Someone will be with you in 2 minutes and 3 seconds. (And they will appear exactly as scheduled). 

HUNGARY: You lostòk your baggagunk?  Ö!! Küngetalak jestzoò zarvà rössz. 

(The bag has been located and will hopefully be returned without problems and with my husband's gift inside.)

 

 

 

PHOTO: My "goodbye" to Europe on this trip.  I had a short lay-over in Frankfurt which ended up becoming a baggage scavenger hunt. The bag did eventually make it back to Albuquerque - one day after I did. Which meant I didn't have to lug it through customs - actually, a true blessing. And my husband's paprika and pálinka were inside.

Bag Lady

I am approximately four (total) hours away from finishing my formal education. 

There are, however, some things that I have not yet learned how to do:
     - pack lightly (I am a “just in case I need this” packer)
     - not squeeze as much in as possible (see above)
     - not be annoyed when I need to show my boarding pass eight times
     - not be continually surprised that all nice elements of flying (including maybe not having paper      
          cups only at every turn in an airport!) have been disposed of 

When I was little, I would travel by bike to my neighbor’s house to play. The neighbor was about a 45-second bike ride away.  I would also insist on bringing lots of other things with me. Would we want to play ponies or jewelry? It’s better to be prepared. 

In order to be prepared, I needed to bring everything. I would balance bags on opposite handlebars, and wiggle my way down our cul-de-sac (apparently with my mother watching from the door). 

There is still some truth to this four-year-old girl. She has grown up, but not grown-out-of, being a bag lady. 

Yet there are some problems to be solved on the current trip:

CLOTHING AND ATTIRE
1. I am headed to Wisconsin for ten days. Weather there, at this time of year, is inconsistent. I have a coat, scarf, and gloves with me. Also packed are coordinated (black-and-color) palettes of pants, sweaters, tops, that can be layered easily. 

2. I will be staying with a friend, who is a work-out fiend and we will go to the gym often. Also in my bag are: sneakers and workout attire. 

3. Part of the gig is the playing of two concerts - I will be in a long black dress. This also means that the right shoes, hosiery, dress, and jewelry are there.

4. My day-to-day existence on this trip is one of musical authority, at a university where I am a guest. This also requires me to be appearing professional (the same jeans and sweatshirt every day won’t cut it on this job). Attire: classy professional or business-semi-casual (see #1).

PORTABLE OFFICE 
5. The gig is to music-direct three one-act operas. Each of these is an entire book. 

6. I have an audition coming up which will require me to play-and-sing an entire opera. That score, and its libretto notebook (another post, later) are in the wheeling bag. I will have some time to practice, and that audition is approximately one month after the closing of this gig.

7. I just got a new laptop (!) and I want to do more video-editing and website-editing and professional work while I’m gone. That came with me.

8. I have only one paperback novel with me, along with my Kindle. While I love books, the Kindle for purposes of travel is a god-send.

9. I will want to do some recording of myself playing rehearsals, so I can adjust anything I need to. I can listen back, take notes, and make corrections to myself or others. My weapon-of-choice here is a Zoom H4. I also don’t leave home without this - I’m recording myself during most days, on either harpsichord or piano.

I normally don’t name names on this blog, as to keep a professional tone. However, United Airlines (with American Airlines a close second) have appeared to be a combination of Sleeping Beauty’s Malificent, Dido’s Sorceress, Benedict Arnold, and Circle of Friends’ Sean Walsh. 

First of all, no notification on my flight-change from United. Nothing. They emailed me *while I was in the air* to tell me that my flight from O’Hare to Central Wisconsin was canceled. Customer service? Non-existent. Then, my carry-on, containing my scores (it was heavy, so I packed it in something that wheeled) didn’t fit beneath my seat, so they … 

CHECKED IT ALL THE WAY TO WI. 

I have been waiting in Chicago for the bag to be released, but no … the music and my clothing will beat me to Wisconsin. 

A while ago, I would have really flipped out about this … there is nothing to be done. So the rest of my afternoon will consist of:

finishing this blog post
finishing my cappuccino (though I’m drinking it out of a paper cup - my inner European hates this)
going through airport security for the third time today
enjoy the wait 

And then … doing some writing … recovering from the most intense six months that I can remember (wedding planning, wedding, tour, written comps preparation, job applications, written comps, waiting for written comps, orals). In fact, I may very well get an airport massage and invest in a travel pillow (those micro-bead, soft foamy ones) … I can either be stressed or I can relax and wait for my plane … being stressed won’t solve anything … 

PHOTO: From an audition trip in 2008 - the best way to wait for a flight (or other mode of transportation) ...